A month after I broke six bones in my right foot, I wrote this in my prayer journal:
"All of this 'idle time' made necessary by a broken foot has made me recognize that sometime in the past two years I gave up certain controls of my life. Yes, I'm still in Your Word. Yes, I acknowledge You, speak to You. I see Your goodness at work in our lives, I receive instruction. I serve in church with a right attitude. Why do I feel I'm on the outside looking in? Why am I so dissatisfied with my life?..."
A pause, and then: "I was taught a long time ago how to fix this kind of rift: I need to go back to my last point of disobedience, repent, and go forward again. 'Search me, O God, and know my heart...see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.' "
Later, days later, I faced what He was showing me. There was this thing He asked of me once, and I did not come through. There were a few attempts in my own strength which failed, of course. And there were reminders along the way, but somehow I justified my failure to yield. Looking back and owning up to it, I wrote: "I don't know exactly when my pride began taking control, Father. You do. And You still love me and show such mercy. I do know I want to abandon that pride, lay it down, turn and walk away obediently with You. I truly repent."
Here's what I wrote hours later that night: "All day, Father, since repenting, I've sensed such a lightness - I breezed around on my crutches like I was almost weightless! I stayed in the Word, studying with hunger and thirst again. I worshipped You freely, and Your presence was so 'thick', so tangible. Bless Your holy name!"
Some time later I found a fresh definition of disobedience. The Amplified Bible, in Romans 5:19 says it is "failing to hear, heedlessness, and carelessness." That's a good description of where I was, spiritually, before I broke my foot. I don't like to admit it, not at all, but that's the way it was. It wasn't constant. It wasn't rebellion that other people would notice. It was a gradual shutting down of response to my Father. I wish I had recognized the truth much sooner, but I didn't.
Psalm 91 is scripture I've stood on for other people and personally for over 20 years. It has been my belief that when I "do" verses 1 & 2 (my part), the Lord will keep His word and perform verses 3-13 (His part). Then the whole thing is summarized beautifully in verses 14-16. This whole broken-foot business brought me back to believing and confessing this Word every single day. And when I would get to the section that says His angels lift me up so I won't even dash my foot against a stone, I would thank Him for what He wanted to do the day I dashed my foot to pieces. You see, I know He does His part; He is not a liar, and He keeps His Word.
Finally one day when I prayed Psalm 91out of the Amplified, I noticed that verse 11 is phrased, "He gives His angels especial charge over us to accompany, defend and preserve us in all our ways of obedience and service."
Obedience and service. I had been "doing" the service part. But without full obedience, service becomes a hollow sacrifice. And the Lord said once to obey and heed is better than sacrifice. He said it for our own good. If we are willing and obedient, we will eat the good of the land, according to Isaiah 1:19; but if we refuse and rebel, there's a devourer waiting to do us in.
I'm not writing this to judge any other person. This is just me locating me, remembering some things I've learned about the Lord from His very own words. He loves his children and longs to protect us. He wants to deliver us from all kinds of trouble - and there is plenty of trouble all around. Loving Father that He is, He's not inflicting pain or breaking bones in order to teach us something...what I have learned and relearned during these months of repair could have been gained before the damage was done. All I had to do was listen and obey.
Too bad I didn't flip back to an earlier journal entry before I broke my foot. About 10 years ago, I went to church with so much pain in one foot I could hardly walk, much less stand with our praise team for 40 minutes. I thought seriously about sitting this one out, but then decided to trust God and do what I needed to do. During praise and worship time, the Lord showed me in His quiet way there was a step of faith I should take, and it would require me to get way outside my comfort zone. Within three minutes of yielding to Him and taking that step, my foot pain totally disappeared, leaving not even the slightest hint of discomfort! Obedience resulted in my receiving the good He had in store for me: wholeness, wellness, the cure I needed! I could hardly keep pen on paper that night, trying to express the immense joy I felt. Reading the words now takes me right back to the moment. Reading them a few months ago might have moved me to fully re-enter the Secret Place of the Most High where there's deliverance, protection, good health and more!
I am so glad God's mercies are new every morning, ready to be received. His sweet conviction never condemns. It urges us to come back into right relationship with Him. He constantly calls His children to hide safely in the shadow of His wings. Thank You Father. I want to stay here with You. I want to hear You, heed You and walk in Your marvelous love.
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